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Mum and i are going on a journey togeather of love, life, laughter, tears, cancer and crafts come join us on our journey

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

no icing on the cake

Today has been an interesting day. I had a wee mount down. And mum happened to get the brunt of it cause she was there ( sorry mums i love you) I was really tired after a busy week and i was trying to explain something and it wasn't coming  out the right way and i had a wee wha. That's one thing i hate about this is the emotions you go through with all the drugs and tiredness and words come out of your mouth and in my head I'm going Ema stop your being stupid but they just keep coming out.
I learnt a few things today one is dont go clothes shopping while on chemo and drugs that make you fat its not going to make you feel any better.
My fave Auntie text's me and asked me how i was doing i told her i felt like a fat tub of lard that looks like a swollen fur less seal. (i said this cause its true and i can laugh at myself i wasn't saying this so i could have somebody tell me no your not its just how i felt today and i9 have learnt to be quite honest) when i got the reply from my Auntie " you cant be a seal you don't have flippers" was just what i needed it made me laugh and i got over my bad day. (the thing good thing with me is even when i do have a moment i get over it pretty fast once i have had my wha)
The 2nd thing mum and i learnt today was we have our awesome craft nights on  Tuesday nights something we both look forward to. so we both did our baking i made choc cake and thought i would make guanash for the first time. little did i know that u need to leave it for a whole day to set or i made it wrong but my icing was more like a sauce.
and mums made pumpkin muffins with a maple and cream cheese icing ( for all you out there going pumpkin muffins? sooooo gooood my fave has been pumpkin scones that my Nana has made me for years you have to try it before you judge it )
and we didn't have enough icing sugar and we both couldn't be bothered going and getting some more as i had already done a mission to the supermarket that morning and mums icing was to runny so we both decided cakes don't need icing they can have sauce.
Craft night was good i think it is good for everyone who comes a good chance to talk about stuff that has happened during the week and have other people throw in their ideas.
I learned more exciting card making technique's fro The clever Bee. and Sarah has now made 2 hats one glove and is started a pair of socks.(considering she only learnt how to knit 2 weeks ago she is amazing!!!!!!)

Also i have been doing a bit of thinking lately i am really excited about going home to see my family. but I'm also a bit nervous.  I think that people think that because i will have finished chemo i should be back to normal with energy etc. But i have been told it takes between 6months t a year to Get all chemicals out of my system and to get back to  "normal" so that's one thing
I am also worried that people will want be asking me all the time if I'm OK cause they haven't been or seen me go through everything and if i say i need time out that they may not understand and they may worry.
I am the type of person who needs to have some me time i always have been if i don't have that i tend to get quite grumpy, even if i haven't seen someone for ages if they are in my space for more than a few days i need to have that time out even if it is just an hour just to clear my head.
And also i don't want people to pity me yes there are times where i need help or i am tired or i need people around me but i don't want pity i don't want people asking if I'm OK all the time. Sometimes is OK but i will say or ask if i need something.
Also i am worried that because of everything i have been through what if i get up there and see everyone and i fall apart?
but then as i think  more about it why worry about things that haven't happened yet?
i am Strong enough to say i need time out and i am strong enough to say stop asking me and then as i think some more i laugh really after all i have gone through i am worrying about small crap like this? hahahahahahahahhahahah come on now!
one things for sure tho after spending 8+ months with my mums  what am i going to do without her when i go away for a month? and how will she cope without me ? :)
(as she is reading this post i am sure she is thinking "yessssssss finally i will get some peace )
so today like i said has been an interesting day I'm back on my pills so i will be up for hours its 11.30pm and mum is sitting on the couch knitting and watching C.S.I  and i am sitting here blogging.  thinking of all the things i can do tonight. and thinking about a very exciting chemo day tomorrow but that is another post.
look at where i live some beautiful views of nelson  the beach and mountains with snow in the background.
Ema :)

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