Tuesday, 30 August 2011
well this morning i had a great big melt down i think i cryed for around an hour it got so bad that i was making stupid whimpering noises which then in turn made me laugh and cry. I had a fight with mum yes i had one with her she didn't really have much to do with it i just lost it and slammed some doors and stomped out of the house acting like a 5year old.
Why you ask did i lose the plot well as i finished chemo last week i should be all excited but i am still bald and fat, grumpy and tired, i cant sleep and i still cant taste food,i have a lovely taste in my mouth 24\7. I am sick of having numb feet and hands, I always wake up feeling like i have run a marathon all ace. and i have been biting everyone head of anyone who looks at me the wrong way and I'm sick of being stuck in the house doing the same old stuff everyday. And i am sick of having no money. So i lost it and i took it out on mum (sorry mums i love you i don't mean half of what i say)
And i start thinking about all the things i cant do and it made me feel worse. So i stomped out of the house and drove to the park and sat there and had a wha. I then came home and picked mum up as we had some things to do in town. Then driving along rocks road i pull into a car park and say to mum lets go have a wine. So at 11am we go in to the boat shed and have 2 glasses of bubbles each, this i have decided is a great way to get over having a wha. :)
And as i sit here and type this entry i am thinking man I'm an egg really. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself there are people out there who are way worse off than me.
i know i am aloud to have a melt down but what a waste of a nice day.
So tomorrow is another day i know i have a long way to go and i will probably have many more melt downs but its how i pull myself back from them that matters. If i choose to let life get me down always or if i just have a wha every now and then.
So lesson for the day if your having a bad day drink in the mornging you'll feel better :)
Sunday, 28 August 2011
Well we went to Kaiteriteri and Kina Beach it was totally fun.Me and Ema played soccer.At Kina Beach I was kicking the ball at the big sand dune and knocked of a lot of rocks and Ema thought that it was going to fall over.We had a picnic at Kina beach and we found a sign that said Williams rd.
William and i had a good day out today i had never been to Kina beach it was really nice there and there were hardly any people. We were kicking the ball around which was good until i nearly kicked it into a caravan. So we decided to go for a walk along the beach after that and then had a picnic before we headed of to Kaiteriteri and Little Kiteriteri. Then we headed home with the music blasting and both of us singing at the top of our lungs was a nice day out just us 2
Saturday, 27 August 2011
Friday, 26 August 2011
Well, seems kind of right to be writing this on our national cancer support day. Em is done and dusted with chemo drugs. Wow even saying it I don't think it has sunk in. Everything that Em has said in her post I plus tick, except she forgot to mention the most important person to thank, and that my sweet girl is you. This journey has and will be the toughest , most emotional, heartbreaking, and amazing journey you have ever been on, and you have done it with such strenght, and incredible positivity that I really am in ore of you.Now I know you will approach the next faze of your life with same positiveness. One day at a time, this is the time for truly looking at your life and doing what is important to you and what you are passionate about, a time to keep putting yourself first. Go and once again be passionate about what is ahead for you, You can do, be and have anything you put your mind to. I am so proud of you and I would not of wanted to be anywhere else but by your side though this journey, and I feel very lucky that we have such a close relationship, so thank you , and I love you so much. xx
Thursday, 25 August 2011
Well last chemo I'm excited and scared and i don't know if it has really hit me yet. The last week i have had chemo brain and been quite clumsy tripping on everything nearly falling over and burning may hand lots and forgetting what i am doing. I did some baking on Tuesday. i made a vanilla slice which i took out of the oven and dropped it but i did manage to save it and it wasn't to bad. on Wed i baked a caramel Chocolate Browne but i didn't look at the size of the dish you need to cook it in and it over flowed through out the oven (twice yes i cleaned it up made the dish bigger put it back in and then did it again) this also turned out to be really yummy to eat so it wasn't to bad but while cooking this i spilt my coffee all over the bench cooking books and the floor, spilt thee sugar and then grabbed the element that had been on for a good 20 Min's (good thing my hands are numb from chemo cause i should of felt it and i got a blister but i didn't feel it so i guess it wasn't to bad) so maybe i should give up on cooking for a while until chem brain is gone but after all that it always gets eaten by the boys so it cant be all that bad. and then I've been doing things where i go into my room to get something and come back out not knowing what it was that i was supposed to get. So apart from being a clumsy person and quite tired its all done no more chemo. I'm sure it will hit me more when i get to next week and i don't have to go to the hospital yay! mums and me are thinking we will have a nice quiet week next week as we have been so busy lately.
I also cant wait to stop taking the pills but i have to take them tonight and tomorrow. Hopefully ill get more than 3 hours sleep like last night.
It has been an Amazing ,Scary, emotional and some times great Journey I know its not over i have recovery and ill have check ups every 3 months then every 6 months and then every year. It has been long and up and down.But there has been some amazing people i have meet along the way things i have seen and done that i would never have if this was not in my life's path.
Life's not fair at times but there are people way worse of that me
I AM A CANCER SURVIVOR.
I have learnt so many things we don't really think about cause in life we tend to just keep going
I have learnt to listen to yourself
its OK to slow down sometimes and love life
if you love some one tell them don't wait
if you want to do something don't put it off just go and do it
hug your family as much as you can and spend time together
have people around you who make you happy
and be silly
don't be afraid to ask the answer will be yes or no
if you love someone tell them don't let them get away but if they arnt the right person don't be afraid to walk away
another thing i have learnt is how the people you think will stand by u when times get tough are not always the people who do.
thank you to everyone who has been there for me the support the text the presents the love your time for making me laugh
Thank you to the amazing Jane Clark and your beautiful family for all your support and love and hats and baking you guys are stars much love to you all. xxx xxx
Thank you to my family up north Anton, Kate, Mila and Juno for my surprise visits and my talks on the phone to Mila would have me smiling for days love you guys and i so cant wait to see you I'm so excited cant wait xxxxxxx
Thank you to my Dad and my sister Danielle and nick for being there the text that keep me going and for just being you guys and thanks dad for coming down to see me you made my week love you all xx xx
To the rest of my north island family Dale, Paul, Nana and Grandad and Nana and Pop love to you all and thank you for your words of wisdom and all the text's they kept me going cant wait to see you all when i come up in a few weeks xx xx
To all my friends i went to school with who i haven't seen for ages but showed there support Aids and EmaCant wait to come hang out with you guys and catch up with your family its been way to long and Kylee Bowater you rock xx xx
Dylan Symonds well what can i say thank you for coming to see me for your text that always seem to show up when i need to smile, for still seeing me even if i changed on the outside and for just being you thanks you you are one of a kind xx xxx
To my nelson friends and clients Lisa Dudley, Halee Tremlett And Rhy, thanks for the girls night and your supportive texts and Rhy thanks for being you and hanging out with me and William xx Talia and Amieka and your family your kind words and time you have spent with me means so much love you all xx Maxine and Vicki and the Robbie's team. love you guys xxxx Jason Tinker(thanks for keeping loaded with movies :) and coming away with me when i needed a break and for when you were here making me laugh lots. Thanks to all my clients for the cards and flowers and books so lovely. and thanks to Sandy Sanders for the treats you gave me and all the magazines and keeping my job open for me. love you all to bits your awesome with your messages of support xx xx
Sarah and Mel you guys rock i love you both to peaces and cant wait to continue our long friendship with all of us starting new journeys xxxix
To Loraine and Bee and Karen
Thank you for your suport your baking and your friendship love you all xx
To the craft night oh what fun the people the talks the food and the crafts thank you.
And to my Mums Well what can i say I'm getting a wee bit teary thinking about what to write to you MUM i could not have done this with out you you held me up when i couldn't do it myself yo put up with everything i have thrown at you the ups and downs you always stayed by my side even when nothing you could do was right. i don't Even know what to say to you mum words arnt enough you are one of a kind you are amazing and strong and i love you so much thank you xxxxxxx
Thank you to Tommy, Baydon and Mike thank you for putting up with my moods xxx xxx
Thank you to William who would sit with me when i couldn't get out of bed not talking just being there and for all your help and comming to lots of chemo's with me and for all your pictures you drew me to make me happy and smile you are the best Puggles xx
To anyone else i f have forgotten you i am so sorry chemo brain thanks and much love to you xx xx
William holding my last lot of chemo about to be hooked up to the IV
Happy family's come to support Mums, Amieka, William,Tommy Talia was here as well but silly me i didn't get any photos and Sarah came up as well :)
55mins to go with chemo drug then 20 min of say line to be flushed through
Cuddles with my cute niece Amieka
Tommy and William playing cards
Me turning of my IV line for the last time YAY!
what a lovely jester a lady who had breast cancer thought that every woman who finishes treatment should get flowers so i got this lovely bunch of flowers and a lovely anonymous card very sweet
Sarah brought me some cool pink shoelaces through pink Pilate's and a really cool necklace where i get to choose what i want it to say at the mo it says (Love Life)
and a really cute brooch and card from the beautiful Jane (my other mum)
and then we came home and had to put this photo up of Amieka cause its soooooo cute :)
And now my new life Journey begins
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
photo of mine and my sister Danielles Matching tatto we got last year the bow ties us togeather the web catches us when we fall and the spider well the spider is something special just between us it means stuff. love you big time kido xxxx
'Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'
A sharp tongue can cut your own throat.
If you want your dreams to come true, you mustn't oversleep.
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.
The best vitamin for making friends...... B1.
The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.
The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..
One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.
You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself.
If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished.
One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.
Ideas won't work unless ' You' do.
Your mind is like a parachute...it functions only when open.
The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.
The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!
It is never too late to become what you might have been.
Life is too short to wake up with regrets.. So love
the people who treat you right.. Forget about the
ones who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If
it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life
would be easy, they just promised it would be
Friends are like balloons;
once you let them go, you might not get them
back. Sometimes we get so busy with our own
lives and problems that we may not even notice
that we've let them fly away.
Sometimes we are so
caught up in who's right and who's wrong that we
forget what's right and wrong.
Sometimes we just
don't realize what real friendship means until it
is too late. I don't want to let that happen so
I'm going to tie you to my heart so I never lose you.
Send this to all your friends including me and see
how many you get back. Even send it to your
balloons that you think have flown away forever.
You may be surprised to see it return.
Thank you for being in my life!!!
The only thing worth worrying about is worrying itself. (Adapted from Roosevelt)
If it falls to your lot to be a road sweeper then sweep the roads like Michaelangelo painted pictures. (Martin Luther King)
Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity (Karl Marx)
Monday, 22 August 2011
But this is the food stall I went to for lunch and had fabulous bowl of rice and vege curry!
me heading off for food and good coffee!
Eco fest, I look forward to this each year, although little disappointed this year seemed to be missing a few of my favourite stalls. Still I love to wander and look at all the enviro bits and pieces and chat to people with the same beliefs as me. As per usual I forgot my camera so missed a few stalls that would have been nice to share, but as usual Em was there with her trusty one.
Love Dee xx